This is Not OK

This was the view between my feet this morning…

Current Weight: 141 lbs

I feel swollen when I walk. I’m uncomfortable when I sit upright. I HATE wearing jeans or any pants with a button and zipper that have no stretch. It’s extremely hard to find flattering tops to pair with the leggings I’m relegated to wearing. I just want winter to get here so I can hide behind sweaters.

I have no patience. I’ll eat healthy and make sure I’m getting more activity in for a few days but see no change in weight or inches, so I give up and cheat … big time. Then I feel guilty and ashamed of myself for giving in and at the same time pissed off because I can’t easily and quickly change this situation.

I know age and genetics play a big role in all of this and if I don’t want to play along, I have to work harder to combat those things. This is my life now. Accept the natural and uncomfortable changes that come with age according to my genetic makeup, or live the rest of my life fighting them.

When you’ve never had to fight to maintain a healthy weight, it’s much harder to accept the fact that it is now your life’s mission.

If only I could become addicted to exercise like I did when I was 22 and trying to conceive. I was at the lower end of my healthy weight range then … I mean riding the line on the brink of being underweight (103 lbs at 5’3″). I became addicted to aerobics – at home to a TV show. I built muscle and gained six pounds and finally conceived … twins even! [Note that I do not attribute my egg splitting into two tiny humans to my workout activities.]

That sounds counter-intuitive. I don’t want to gain weight this time. I want to burn fat and strengthen my muscles. Even if that number on the scale doesn’t come down much, I will be happy if the weight reflected more muscle than fat and my proportions returned to something more flattering on my frame.

I am a windbag once more, but sometimes you have to be when writing to try to avoid any misconstruing of what you’re trying to say. NO, I’m not OK with how I feel right now. But… YES, I do accept myself as I am. It’s a fine line that’s hard to understand, but I don’t want any readers to get the wrong idea here. I want to fight this battle for myself … for my own health and well-being. I don’t give a rat’s ass what others think of my appearance. It’s all about what makes ME feel good inside and out.


Darcy Elliott

I don't believe humans truly have a purpose. Our goal is to survive until we expire. Period. Joy is pleasurable and worrying is not. Balance in life is crucial; but if the scales must tip, may they tip on the side of joy. I’m just another human trying to survive. I blog because I can and because I enjoy it, not because it serves any purpose.

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